Windy top

by - 9:11 PM

Today's article will be written from a very personal perspective, my own feelings, experiences, doubts and weaknesses. If you don't agree, don't analyze, don't compare, don't make fun. Just forget, ignore, move on. 

She lives, walks, breathes, wanders in the clouds and with great curiosity in her eyes tries to discover the world and what life has to offer her. But she doesn''t want just what life will bring her. She wants something more. She wants to make her dreams come true. She knows that she doesn't fit the environment she lives in, and that environment doesn't fit her. She almost physically feels the limits that puts on her. And she is so overwhelmed by this, she's so sick of this, that she tries to defend herself in all ways possible. Defend her different point of view, view of ther world where borders don't exist. Where she can go everywhere and do everything. But she is still too young to take over and follow her own path. She grits her teeth and waits, promising herself that she will survive and fight for her own happiness where she wants to be, just as she wants to live. But then she starts to create something of her own that gave her the opportunity to express herself. Something that started to bear fruit. However, this was just the beginning. 

Years have passed, the hated chapter was closed, life began to blossom, the first successes became a reality, along the way, smaller and larger, but that was not enough. It was never enough. After each achievement there was a burning sense of hunger of more. Willingness to go for more. A dreamer, people said, she imagines too much. But this dreamer knew that she wouldn't stop until she gets everything that is in her heart. Ambitiously, yeah? Permanent push to the goal, fight for hers, pulling her claws like a lion. Climbing higher and higher and higher. A constant struggle to improve herself and her life. 
Traveling the world, doing what she loves, fulfilling her whims, successes at work, in private life, successful ventures, growing reach, more and more influence. One was chasing the other, and yet - she still wanted to go for more, because resting on her laurels was out of any question. Every time the dream came true and the goal was achieved, this well-known internal whisper appeared: "You can afford more. You can more". Without reaching the top, there was no peace of mind, and when one top was reached - the game began again, because there were more, much more tempting and higher, which had to be reached. 

More and more ambitious plans, more and more demanding requirements. Excitement, joy, happiness, spinning up for more, that she will succeed, that all will be fine, until finally the day came, the moment when the spiral shot into cosmos and the only thing that resounded in the mind was: 


Surrender, overwhelming, lack of desire to do anything, a sense of one huge senselessness, burnout, seeing in all the previous activities only a waste of energy and time, and in plans and intentions for the future, stupidity without a shadow of chance and anything good. No motivation, willingness to quit, close, remove all traces and leave everything behind. Once and for all. 
And then people who know, start to play their role. People who, with their stubbornness and persistent putting to mind "You can't stop, you can't give up", do everything to prevent this house of cards from falling down. That all what was built up over the years wouldn't fall in one day. These people are scaffolding that try to hold a collapsing tower. 
These people are reminders that don't let forget that there is still something to finish... 

And then as if nothing had happened, after hectoliters of tears, a million curses in thoughts and rage that everything is useless and the desire to disappear somewhere deep in the underground tunnel, everything returns to the old ways, because you know, it's like with a woman giving birth, she cries, she screams that she can't cope, that she can't anymore, to kill her or take "this something" away from her, but she still keeps going and fights, because there is no way back... And when she sees her newborn child , she forgets all the pain and everything bad that happened. She is the happiest in the world and planning another child. 

How many more times will this cycle repeat before the book is closed? Will it ever be closed or the desire of catching dreams will win? 

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